Awkward.

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Is it fair to be with someone when all you do is think about someone else? I thought I was over my ex but it turns out I’m really…not. For months I have tried my hardest to be more than appealing. I’ve tried to be the best of the best and have this guy like me. Was he a 6 month-after rebound? No. Did I like him? Yeah. The problem is, for the longest time I wanted to be more than friends.

I wanted him to fall in love and have him be the best boyfriend I’ve ever wanted. Well, be careful what you wish for. Some wishes really do come true. He has fallen madly in love with me, and ever since he told me, it hasn’t been the same. It turns out that I wasn’t in love with him and I wasn’t feeling the whole “relationship” thing anymore. The only problem is, I said it back. At the time, I thought I meant it, but when I woke up the next morning I had a big old bowl of regrets.

Our “relationship” is confusing. We were officially dating for a while, and then we broke up because he didn’t have the heart to break off the damn umbilical cord with an ex (AKA he continued texting her). I refer to her as a mother figure considering she’s like 4 years older than him. Yuck. More like a cougar if you ask me. She is the definition of a bitch, slut and any other clever name you’d like to add.

When he finally put the dog in the doghouse, things were perfect. Or at least, I thought so. It took me less than two weeks to realize that I really didn’t want him anymore. I was blinded by his Prince Charming personality and the way he won over my family, I forgot how I was actually feeling. I was in love. But it wasn’t with him.

I figured the only fair thing to do was tell him. He deserved to know. Right? I didn’t exactly say I wasn’t in love with him…but I explained how I was feeling and well, did I mention he was a sensitive guy? He started to cry. Did I mention I had a soft spot for the waterworks? We “broke up” but were still an item or, whatever you want to call it. He didn’t ask me out, and I didn’t as him out. There was no “official” confirmation. We were loyal to each other and continued to hang out almost everyday. He made me happy when we were together, laughing and having a good time, but deep down the only thing I thought about is someone else. My ex. Unfortunately.

He left for a week to go on vacation. While most girls would cry and mop the entire time their boy was gone, I was actually relieved. For the first time in months I felt like I could breathe. I mean, of course I missed him but I needed the time to think. I needed the space. While I had thoughts of hanging out with other guys, I still didn’t have a clear idea of what “we” were. I didn’t want to do anything that would be considered cheating. I wasn’t about to make a name for myself.

The night before he left he looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. Please don’t hook up with any other guys.” Whoa. Girlfriend? Suddenly the word miscommunication had been taken to a whole new level. If I keep feeling this way everyday, shouldn’t I just break it off for good? The problem is that there’s something major holding me back, and I don’t know what it is. Countless people are telling me I could do better, and I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect.

I suddenly feel like I’m in the middle of an episode of Awkward.

 

A Short Rant

Listen to me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5oqPQjAJ8Y

You know what’s sad? Not remembering the last time you felt happy. When someone asks you how you are and you just reply with “Good, thanks”, because it’s easier than explaining how you’re really feeling. You know whats worse? When you can’t do anything about it. You feel scared and depressed for so long that you get used to it. You give up. You get used to faking a smile everyday, and forcing out a laugh. It’s sad when you’re scared to feel happy again, because you think it will be taken away from you.

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I didn’t create this blog to post negative thoughts and feelings. I’m just trying to keep it real. I’m not going to portray myself as a perfect girl who is always happy. That’s not who I am.

B

Heartbreak and Moving On: My story

Moving on is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do. Here’s my story.

Last summer, I met the love of my life. That summer was picture perfect. I honestly felt like I was in a movie. I don’t think I had ever been happier. It was a fairy tale. We started dating. He wasn’t just my boyfriend, he was my best friend. My family loved him, and his family loved me. We went through so much together fell in love. He was the perfect boyfriend. We did everything together. He even went grocery shopping with my family and I! He gave me a beautiful necklace, roses, and let me keep his sweatshirt. After 5 months, things started to get rough. The end over November was probably the hardest time of my life.

I found out he was sneaking around and cheated on me. With one of my classmates. While she had a boyfriend. You can put your own definition of  the word “cheating”. Most people think that cheating is when you have sex with someone else, but all he did was make out with her. They hung out a lot and kept it a secret for over a month. I kept noticing him texting her and got suspicious. I finally gathered up the courage and asked him straight up. He denied. I then asked the girl. She started crying and showed me some messages between them. They both felt extremely guilty and I was completely heart broken. The girl said that he had told her several times how he knew it wasn’t right and he was afraid I was going to find out and get hurt. Well I did, and I was. I still am.

So you’re probably wondering, “So what did you do?!” I did was most people would do. I broke up with him. He then realized that what he had done was a huge mistake. He cried in front of me and begged me to stay. You know a guy is really hurt when he cries in front of you. We continued to talk. This was one of the many mistakes I did. I dare you to count them all. He didn’t respect my wish of keeping our distance and showed up at my door with a dozen roses. He wanted me back more than anything.

I gave in and we dated again. Another mistake. We kept fighting about stupid stuff and things got tense. It wasn’t the same. We still loved each other but still; it just wasn’t the same. We were off an on for another month or so. Our relationship wasn’t on Facebook anymore. We only saw each other once or twice a week, but we still talked every day.

We officially broke up around 4 months ago. It was a mutual breakup. We decided that things just weren’t working. Another mistake. I lost count. I still think about him everyday. He currently wants nothing to do with me. We still talk, but it goes in random spurts. The longest we’ve ever gone without talking is 1o days. Right now we’re going on 1 week of not talking. I still love him and I think I always will, regardless of what he was done to me, and put me though. I unfollowed him on twitter and unfriended him on Facebook. Was that another mistake?

To be honest, these passed 4 months have consisted of crying, eating junk food, crying, thinking about him, trying to move on, and a little more crying. I go on dates with other guys, but I always find myself comparing them to him. Everything reminds me of him. I’ll still wear the necklace and his big comfy sweatshirt to bed sometimes. There’s another 2 mistakes. It’s honestly the worst feeling when you miss someone so much, and they are perfectly fine without you. He was my world and one day the only thing I lived for was out of my life. I still listen to sad songs and cry. I torture myself by looking at pictures of us, and reading old conversations. This whole thing just sucks.

So now that you know where I stand with him, how about her? Well, believe it or not, I forgave her and we actually became best friends. I know what you’re thinking “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!” Haha yes! I am 100% serious. The situation brought us extremely close. You guys can hate me all you want but life is way too short to hold grudges. If we didn’t forgive then we would all hate each other.

It’s safe to say I’m still not over him but I have made some dramatic changes in my life. Some of which I already mentioned. Getting him off of my social networking feeds! Out of sight out of mind…right? Well that doesn’t really work for me haha. I started eating healthy and exercising regularly. I feel so good about myself physically, that it makes me feel good mentally. Working out also keeps my mind off him for an hour a day! I will listen to upbeat songs that boost my mood while I run. Disclaimer: I’m not trying to lose weight, I’m doing it to stay healthy and maintain my healthy body weight!

Here’s a list of things that will hopefully help you:

-Keep your mind off of them

-Exercise

-Eat healthy

-Cry (It feels really good to let it out sometimes!)

-Listen to sad songs (you usually do it while you’re crying…)

-Listen to upbeat songs! It will change your mood dramatically

-Get into a good TV series

-Read a great book

-Hang out with friends

-Go on dates

-Stowaway things that remind you of them

-Vent

-Shop! A little retail therapy never hurt anyone

Show them that you can do better off without them.

Email me if you would like to share your story, need advice, or would just like to chat.

aliciariveraheartsyou@gmail.com

B

Yay for the irrelevant gif 😛

I’m here to inspire

 Reevaluating 

Did you know that you become like the 5 closest people that you hang out with? Pick your friend groups wisely, please. I can’t stress this enough. In life, you will be faced with countless amounts of challenges. In order to get through these things, you need a good support system. Pick at least 3 people that you trust, and you feel comfortable with.

Confidence 

Look inside the mirror and be proud of who you are. Instead of comparing yourself to someone that you think is “better” than you, compare yourself to someone that you feel better than. This might sound shady, but it’s quite a confidence booster. Hold on, reality check. Listen, to be honest there is always going to be a person in life that will be better than you. Ignore them. Worry about yourself. You can try all you want, but you will never be like them. She might have better hair than you, but what do you against her? Did you totally ace that Biology test? Get a date to prom and she didn’t? Now, don’t go turn into this self-absorbed girl that only thinks about no one but herself. I promise that there is someone out there that is thinking the same thing about you. Why do you think girls are so competitive and mean towards each other? It’s called jealousy ladies. Take it as a compliment. Everyone is insecure. Some people just hide it better than others.

Stress Relievers

My favorite stress relievers are:

-Mindfulness: We even do this before class! There are different forms of mindfulness, but the basic idea is to relax, and let go of all your worries. Close your eyes, and clear your mind. Read. Write. Draw a picture. Stay attentive to positive thoughts. You honestly feel so calm afterwards. This is also a perk when we do it in class because it’s crazy how much easier it is for me to pay attention.

-Venting: Talk to someone. You will feel so much better getting things on your chest. If you’re like me, I need to let things out. I am always talking with my friends, family,  or you guys! Shoot me an email if you need to chat, or write in a journal.

-Blogging: What I’m doing right now? Yeah, I’m reliving stress. 🙂

Why Worry?

You need to realize that worrying about something, won’t change it. Let’s say you have a big presentation coming up. Everyday you worry because it’s getting closer and closer. Why are you getting yourself worked up for nothing? Worrying about it won’t change the fact that you still have to do it. Focus on the things you can change. For example, if you’re unhappy with your grades, find the problem and do what you need to do! Reach out to teachers, or parents to get the help you need. Work with someone on studying techniques and get extra help.

Need to vent? Have a question? Talk to me. It’s anonymous.

http://ask.fm/TheDiaryofB

B