Is it fair to be with someone when all you do is think about someone else? I thought I was over my ex but it turns out I’m really…not. For months I have tried my hardest to be more than appealing. I’ve tried to be the best of the best and have this guy like me. Was he a 6 month-after rebound? No. Did I like him? Yeah. The problem is, for the longest time I wanted to be more than friends.
I wanted him to fall in love and have him be the best boyfriend I’ve ever wanted. Well, be careful what you wish for. Some wishes really do come true. He has fallen madly in love with me, and ever since he told me, it hasn’t been the same. It turns out that I wasn’t in love with him and I wasn’t feeling the whole “relationship” thing anymore. The only problem is, I said it back. At the time, I thought I meant it, but when I woke up the next morning I had a big old bowl of regrets.
Our “relationship” is confusing. We were officially dating for a while, and then we broke up because he didn’t have the heart to break off the damn umbilical cord with an ex (AKA he continued texting her). I refer to her as a mother figure considering she’s like 4 years older than him. Yuck. More like a cougar if you ask me. She is the definition of a bitch, slut and any other clever name you’d like to add.
When he finally put the dog in the doghouse, things were perfect. Or at least, I thought so. It took me less than two weeks to realize that I really didn’t want him anymore. I was blinded by his Prince Charming personality and the way he won over my family, I forgot how I was actually feeling. I was in love. But it wasn’t with him.
I figured the only fair thing to do was tell him. He deserved to know. Right? I didn’t exactly say I wasn’t in love with him…but I explained how I was feeling and well, did I mention he was a sensitive guy? He started to cry. Did I mention I had a soft spot for the waterworks? We “broke up” but were still an item or, whatever you want to call it. He didn’t ask me out, and I didn’t as him out. There was no “official” confirmation. We were loyal to each other and continued to hang out almost everyday. He made me happy when we were together, laughing and having a good time, but deep down the only thing I thought about is someone else. My ex. Unfortunately.
He left for a week to go on vacation. While most girls would cry and mop the entire time their boy was gone, I was actually relieved. For the first time in months I felt like I could breathe. I mean, of course I missed him but I needed the time to think. I needed the space. While I had thoughts of hanging out with other guys, I still didn’t have a clear idea of what “we” were. I didn’t want to do anything that would be considered cheating. I wasn’t about to make a name for myself.
The night before he left he looked me in the eyes and said, “You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. Please don’t hook up with any other guys.” Whoa. Girlfriend? Suddenly the word miscommunication had been taken to a whole new level. If I keep feeling this way everyday, shouldn’t I just break it off for good? The problem is that there’s something major holding me back, and I don’t know what it is. Countless people are telling me I could do better, and I deserve to be treated with the utmost respect.
I suddenly feel like I’m in the middle of an episode of Awkward.